Me versus fingers and pies

They have their fingers in lots of pies

I received an email at work the other day which, amongst other things, said 'you know me, got my fingers in lots of pies.'

This left me with a couple of questions. How do you type with pies on your fingers? Do you have a really big keyboard? And which sort of pie? Three questions. Eliminating the really big keyboard from my research I set about determining which kind of pie.

It can't be too big (like a Fray Bentos perhaps) because you'd end up sticking more than one finger in each pie and there wouldn't be room for other pies. Neither could the pie filling be too sloppy. I love a Pukka pie but there's no way this would stay stuck. It would simply fall off your fingers and make a dreadful mess.

Not the actual fingers

I soon decided that the ideal pie for this experiment is a mini pork pie (or pork and pickle at a push.) There's a good crust and a packed, grippy filling of some meat and sawdust and suchlike.

After I'd purchased a pack (you can get ten for less than £2 at a leading supermarket) I set about making them finger friendly. I took a nail file (Mrs Tea at Johnny's will never know) and cut a hole in the top of the pie - wide enough for my finger and about three-quarters of an inch deep.

Not the actual pies

Carefully, one at a time I slipped the pies on to my fingers. They were an excellent fit. I had my fingers in lots of pies. That's where the problems started. It's very difficult to do anything with your fingers in pies.

Not only was I unable to type, I couldn't hold a knife and fork, fasten the zip of my trousers or drive amongst other things. This fingers in pies business is totally impractical and rather dangerous if you operate heavy machinery for a living.

Conclusion 1: If someone says they have fingers in lots of pies, don't believe them.

Conclusion 2: If you want to try this yourself - at least you will have lots of pies.


Next time - I say boo to a goose.