Me versus peanuts and monkeys

You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

A difficult one to test but I thought I'd try my best for you.

I started off by placing an advert in the local free newspaper. I don't have one of those fancy phones you can take pictures with so I'll have to write what it said here: "Help wanted with gardening and taking stuff to the tip. You will be paid peanuts."

Then there was a contact number which I won't repeat for fear of getting bothered by cold calls and suchlike.

I had two calls. Neither of them was from a monkey. One chap asked how much money peanuts was. When I told him it really would be actual peanuts he swore at me and hung up. The other fellow at least asked what sort of peanuts but when I told him "Dry Roasted" he said he didn't like them and politely declined the job.

Some Dry Roasted peanuts (other varieties are available)

And then it struck me. I was never going to get a monkey. Most have them have little grasp of reading and are unlikely to pick up a copy of 'Swindon's Best Free Newspaper' anyway.

Common squirrel monkey (other varieties are available)

This saying's all wrong.

Conclusion: If you really want to get some monkeys to do some work for you I suggest getting hold of them* before you discuss wages. To my knowledge there is no organised monkey trade union so they will hold little sway in pay discussions. You'll just have to bear in mind that you don't want the monkeys so hungry that they can't work.

* Perhaps stealing them from a safari park** is a better option.

** I do not endorse stealing monkeys (or anything for that matter) from safari parks.